It's really hard for me to type something in this post, all I want but can't express is fearness.
Don't know how to express, I think if to express is a kind of ability, I must lose this for a long time.
All I am trying to do is just like a man who cannot swim but trying his best in water, you cannot say he did nothing to help himself, but in fact his work did nothing.
I am really afraid of losing control of everything I can reach, I want everything go as my thought, even a little difference can drive me crazy.
I have no time can express except the darkest night, everyone lives in everyday works so hard, I cannot give them a sad face.
I give it to myself. I am trying to be the most perfect and attractive to other people. I know I always fail.
I know I did things wrongly, but I need chance to redo.
Chances are expensive, but only you get chances can you make changes.
All things go like this must have reasons.
Sometimes I find myself boring.
I did lots of things to find other interests to support life.
I listen to music, but I find I got crazy and press next in 30 seconds for a song. I cannot keep listening to even one song, I just feel tired.
I read books, sometimes I can read them quickly, but most I cannot read even one page.
I cannot write even one line of code.
I play games from day to day, but not so happy.
I want to stay alone while I want someone can stay with me.
I nearly get the one, I nearly lose the one, I don't want to lose the one, I must regain the one.
But how can I get a chance?
Will there be a person from the future telling me that the result?
I know no one can lives in his fifteen forever.
I used to think little about the far future.
Now I still think little, but a little bit further.
Totally out of my control, the future.
Maybe I can only write such boring things now.
Be brave, just two simple words, but how can I keep brave while facing uncertainty?
I still trying to make me seems perfect.
I know only in this way can I regain chance.
Just for a chance.
Leave tears and fearness to myself, I won't let others see.
But who can wipe my tears when I wake from dream in midnight?
A Coder & Dreamer